


one hundred ways to say i love you

by joshwrites



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: (kind of), 100 Ways to Say I Love You Writing Challenge, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Mental Health Issues, Pregnancy, Prison, Romantic Fluff, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Siblings, Sister-Sister Relationship, Swearing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unplanned Pregnancy, Untreated Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-12 10:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11735046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshwrites/pseuds/joshwrites
Summary: 100 drabbles about 100 different ways to say I love you.Sometimes, the most powerful way to say I love you is by not saying it at all.





	1. "Let me take care of you."

**Author's Note:**

> one hundred ways to say i love you: each chapter will feature 1-100 ways to say i love you from either lorna or nicky's pov, chapter lengths will vary and some chapters will be set in an alternative universe whereas other's will be canon-compliant. i don't know how often i will update this, probably whenever inspiration strikes to write a new chapter but i will try and not leave it too long between updates! as always please leave reviews and constructive criticism as it helps me out a lot! thank you and enjoy.

It was no secret that Nicky Nichols was sick. Not that the stubborn blonde ex-junkie would admit it, or accept any help for that matter. She was pale, feverish and had hardly been able to keep down a meal within the last two days. With the slop they served it was hardly surprising but coupling that with an upset stomach and a barely-there appetite was just looking for trouble.  
  
  
Lorna had tried to approach her several times, trying to offer her comfort and company but each time Nicky would grumble her protests, shoving her away, muttering something about Lorna catching the ‘deadly disease’ and for her to stay away until she was better.  
  
  
This, of course, didn’t deter the petite brunette in the slightest, just made her frown and stress about how she could make things better for Nicky. How she didn’t want to see her suffer anymore. It hurt her to see her in such pain and not knowing what to do about it or how to help. Especially when Nicky was refusing any kind of help that Lorna had to offer her.  
  
  
It was the fourth day when she passed Nicky’s bunk to hear before seeing Nicky writhing around on the stiff mattress, a distressed and painful whine leaving the dry chapped lips of her something—more—than—her—best—friend—but—not—quite—her—lover, when she had had enough.  
  
  
With a determined harrumph, she marched back to her own bunk. She knew if she wanted something from Red, it was going to cost her. And Red had all the good shit.  
  
  
With a sigh she started rooting through all of her belongings in an attempt to pick something that Red would be willing to trade, she didn’t accept just any old shit. She didn’t really have anything of much value though. She forlornly turned her attention to her much-adored small collection of bright red lipsticks. The lipstick wasn’t just a lipstick anymore, it had become part of her. Part of her personality. To part with them would be like —— like losing an arm.   
  
  
But, this was for Nicky. Nicky needed her, even if she wouldn’t damn well admit it. So Lorna was having to take the situation into her own hands, even if it meant losing one of her precious lipsticks. She shuffled the three sticks in her hands for several minutes before finally picking the one she had received most recently, not even used yet. She had almost run out on one of them so that left her with just one left. She knew it was ridiculous but it gave her anxiety to think about the possibility of her completely running out. But she refused to dwell on that now, she needed to get to Red. With a sigh, she stuffed the red lipstick into her pocket and marched determinedly to seek out Red.  
  
  
She was in her bunk, as she expected. She poked her head around the corner, grateful that it was just Red. She was lying on her bunk, legs crossed, reading glasses on and an open book held meters in front of her face. Sensing she was being watched, she slowly lowered the book down to her lap and glanced across to where Lorna was poking her head around the doorway.   
  
  
She lowered her glasses so they were perched on the end of her nose and raised her eyebrows expectantly, a little curious to what had brought Lorna to her bunk. Alone.   
  
  
Lorna seeing that Red acknowledging her presence sheepishly walked further into the bunk. She was suddenly nervous. She didn’t know whether it was because she was about to part with her lipstick or because Red was naturally intimidating, all she knew was that her heart was beating faster and she had squeezed her hands into fists to try and hide how much she was trembling.  
  
  
‘Uh, hey Red.’ She perched herself on the edge of the mattress with a shy smile. ‘I’ve got a little favour to ask.’  
  
  
Red watched and listened to the small brunette closely, noticing the nervous energy radiating off of her. Hearing that she was after a favour piqued her interest and she shuffled in the bed to sit up straighter, lowering her glasses that were looped around her neck by a piece of string to rest on her chest.   
  
  
‘I’m listening.’ Red’s gravelly voice spoke back to her.  
  
  
Lorna nodded her head, mostly to herself while she splayed her things on her khaki-covered thigh, her forefinger scratching at the material distractingly. ‘Right, well. As you probably know or have heard, Nicky’s sick, and well she keeps denying any help. But, I can see she’s in pain.’ Lorna’s face twisted into a frown, her eyes shining with sadness as she lifted her head to look at the red-haired Russian. ‘I want to help and I know you have some pills that would help with the pain, at least something to dry up the flu a little bit.’ She finished off with a small shrug, shining her brown puppy eyes at Red.   
  
  
Red paused for a moment with a sigh before Lorna spoke up again.  
  
  
‘I know I ain’t gonna get nothing for free, so I— I brought this.’ With a heavy defeated sigh, she reached into her pants pocket and held up the shiny red lipstick, causing Red’s eyebrows to raise almost to her hairline. Morello was damn serious if she was willing to risk losing her lipstick just to help Nicky feel better. Naturally, whatever illness that Nicky was suffering and more appropriately whining from, would clear up in a few days to a week. Red knew Nichols was milking it a bit but she was touched that Morello cared enough for her daughter to do this. To give up her most prized possession to make her feel better, to take care of her.   
  
  
Red stared at the lipstick that was held in front of her from Morello’s offered hand and with a twitch of her lips, trying to hold back her smile she curled her fingers around Lorna’s that were holding the lipstick and lowered both of their hands to the bed. ‘You don’t need to do that, kid.’   
  
  
But Lorna was insistent, shaking her head. ‘She really is in a lot of pain, she’s very sick Red. She hasn’t really eaten in two days and I don’t know how long this thing is gon’ last.’ Her brow was creased with genuine heartfelt concern and her plump red lips were pulled into a pout. ‘I know you would want something in return and I know it might not be your perfect shade, but  **please** Red **.** ’ Lorna reached out to put a hand on Red’s leg as she looked at the older woman with pleading eyes.   
  
  
Red had to try hard to stifle the small laugh that was itching to burst through her lips as she held them in a tight line as she watched Lorna ramble on, it was sweet. Really sweet. Knowing she would have to accept to settle the petite Brunette’s mind. She nodded her head once in affirmative before she moved her legs to swing over and land her feet on the floor. ‘Fine.’ She muttered before standing up and moving over to her private stash of essentials.   
  
  
‘Really? I mean thank you, Red!’ Morello’s eyes lit up and her lips spread into a pleased smile, she just barely refrained herself from rushing to the redhead and squeezing her in a tight hug. She waited patiently whilst she rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet whilst Red rifled through her stash, finally turning around with a couple of strips of pills in her hand.  
  
  
She approached Lorna before holding out her hand for the brunette to take the pills off her but before she did she quickly explained what was what. She pointed out that one strip were painkillers, they were quite strong but they would help ease the pain and the other strip were sleeping pills figuring that Nichols would probably need some rest.   
  
  
Lorna nodded her head as Red explained, listening intently. ‘Okay, got it.’ She took the pills from Red’s hand and reluctantly placed the lipstick in Red’s waiting palm. She quickly shoved the small strips of pills into her pocket so they were out of sight whilst Red twisting the lipstick between her thumb and forefinger, a thoughtful look on her face.   
  
  
‘Thanks again, Red. I know Nicky will really appreciate it.’ She couldn’t it this time, taking a step closer to wrap her arms around her middle and squeezing her tight in a momentary hug. She quickly stepped back not waiting for Red’s reaction before dashing out of her cube and heading back to Nicky’s. Now, she had everything she needed, she could go take care of the lion-maned woman.   
  
  
Red watched her go with amusement, the lipstick still rotating between her fingers. She wasn’t going to keep it, never had the intention to but she knew Lorna would make a thing about accepting the meds for free so thought it would just be easier to humour her for the time being. She would wait until Nichols was back on her feet and then give her the lipstick to give back to Lorna, she’s sure that would be an interesting conversation to witness. It was bordering on ridiculous how in love each of them were with the other but neither would confront it. Well, mostly Lorna but surely it couldn’t be much longer before she came to the realisation and ditched that Italian she had dangling by a thread.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
Lorna walked into Nicky’s cube to see the aforementioned blonde sprawled out spread-eagle, with her face pressed into the pillow, a small mewling sound could be heard coming from her mouth. A fond smile appeared on Lorna’s lips as she paused in the doorway for a moment before she quietly crept forward and perched herself on the edge of the mattress, her hand itched to reach out and run delicately through golden tresses that surrounded her face.   
  
  
Feeling the mattress dip, Nicky tilted her head to the side and squinted her eyes to try and work out the blurry figure that was suddenly sat next to her. ‘‘Rello? What you doin’ ‘ere?’ Her scratchy voice was slightly muffled into the pillow but Lorna could just make it out.  
  
  
Lorna stifled the small laugh that threatened to leave her lips at the adorable sight before her. This time she couldn’t resist as she leaned forward and brushed the curls back from the side of Nicky’s face, tucking them behind her ear so she could see her properly. ‘I got you some stuff, to help you feel better.’ She spoke softly, opening her palm so that Nicky could see even through her half-lidded eyes the two small strips of tablets.   
  
  
She could hear Nicky grumbling her protests, her body flailing as she tried to move but her body didn’t seem to be co-operating with her brain. It was quite an amusing sight.  
  
  
’Shh.’ Lorna leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. ‘You’re always taking care of me, let me take care of you. Please? Just this once.’ Lorna spoke softly but earnestly, her eyes shining with slight desperation, for Nicky to stop fighting her and for her to allow herself to be taken care of, for a change.   
  
  
Nicky muttered something that sounded something a lot like ‘fine’ which Lorna accepted with a pleased smile.   
  
  
‘Sit up and I’ll just grab you a cup of water.’ Lorna said after she’d popped the appropriate amount of pills out of the strips before slipping them back into the pocket of her khaki’s. She passed the pills into Nicky’s sweating palm as she shifted herself up into a sitting position with a groan. Lorna was just about to get up to get Nicky a cup of water when before she could even blink Nicky tilted her head back and dry swallowed them without a second thought.   
  
  
Lorna paused, her mouth open in a silent gasp but really, she shouldn’t be all that surprised. That was such a Nicky move. She just blinked and smiled fondly once more before shifting so she was lying beside Nicky horizontally.   
  
  
‘They should kick in soon and the pain will ease and you’ll get more than a couple of hours sleep.’ Lorna spoke just for the sake of speaking, her voice soft.   
  
  
Without prompting, Nicky flopped back down onto the mattress, this time landing so that her head was in Lorna’s lap. A small smile curled at the brunette’s lips before she brought her fingertips to the blonde’s scalp, carding them through thick curls before scratching at her scalp. She knew she was doing something right when Nicky let out a pleased sigh, her shoulders instantly relaxing.   
  
  
‘You don’t have ta’ go, ya’ know.’ Nicky mumbled after a moment, her eyes closed and her right arm curled around one of Morello’s legs as if Lorna did decide to get up from her position on Nicky’s bunk, she could cling on to it and drag her back. She focused on the soothing feeling of Lorna’s fingernails scratching at her scalp, not remembering the last time she felt this relaxed, or calm.  
  


‘I know.’ Lorna’s lips curled up into a warm smile before she leaned down to press her lips against the shell of Nicky’s ear. ‘I wasn’t planning to.’ She pressed a gentle kiss to Nicky’s temple, lingering long enough to see the mirroring smile on Nicky’s lips before leaned back again and continued with the gentle scratching at Nicky’s scalp. She alternated between rubbing soothing circles at Nicky’s temple to ease her headache, to carding her fingers through the length of her curls, lighting tugging when snagged and lightly scratching her fingernails against her scalp to bring her comfort and pleasure.  
  
  
It was silent for a while but it was a comfortable silence as Lorna worked her finger magic, looking down on Nicky fondly while Nicky let out quiet hums of pleasure, the occasional pleased smile spreading across her lips. Before long Lorna could tell that Nicky had drifted off to sleep, with the help of the pills and Lorna’s soothing touch no doubt.   
  
  
Lorna didn’t move from her position, didn’t dare jostle Nicky from her lap. Even when her back started to cease up and her neck started to ache from the position she was sat in, she just let her fingers idly keep moving through Nicky’s hair and leant her head back against the wall, finally allowing her own eyes to close to try and get some rest while waiting for Nicky to wake up again.  
  
  


* * *

  
  


Nicky woke up a couple hours later, bleary-eyed and confused. She opened her eyes to see outstretched khaki-covered legs before she pulled herself up into a sitting position, lifting her arms to stretch before turning to see whose legs she had been using as a pillow. She smiled as she found they belonged to her favourite insane brain brunette, taking in the sight of limp arms behind her sides and mouth hanging open with her head tilted back. She smirked at the sight, if only she had a camera to capture this perfect moment. Her eyes softened as she remembered their actions from hours before. She shuffled up the mattress to untuck the thin prison-issued sheet that was meant to serve as a duvet before her legs underneath and bringing it up to cover Morello up to her waist. She moved over so she could pull the younger women down, shifting her body against the mattress until her head could rest on the thin pillow, somehow managing to not wake her. She must have slipped into a pretty deep sleep.  
  
  
Nicky smiled, taking a moment to brush the hair out of her eyes. Lorna looked so beautiful when she was sleeping, all creased lines smoothed out. Her soft pouty lips looked so soft that Nicky couldn’t resist to lean down and press a feather-light kiss to them. She shuffled herself next to her so she could rest her head on her shoulder. She tilted her head forward to press a kiss against the brunette’s cheek before settling down again.  
  
  
‘Thanks, Lorn’.’ She mumbled before drifting back to sleep, her arm and leg flung over Lorna’s body and her head resting on her shoulder. She nuzzled her face further into the crease where shoulder met neck, breathing in her natural scent with a soft sigh. This was a rare moment where they were all alone and she could take what she could get so she was savouring it for as long as she possibly could. 


	2. "I can't live without you."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the most powerful way to say I love you is by not saying it at all.

Nicky couldn't stand still, her mind was whirring, her heart racing. She wrung her hands before glancing back over at Morello who was sitting anxiously in a plastic chair, shifting every few moments as if she had something stuck up her ass. But she knew it was nerves. Nerves about this conversation. This conversation that had to be had. The conversation that they had both been putting off for far too fucking long.  
  
  
'I don't know how I can make it anymore fuckin' obvious, Lorn'. It is you. It is fuckin' you. I cannot describe it anymore, it is you. You are the only one that I will ever want. You are my home. I look at you, and somehow I can see fuckin' 50 years from now on the front porch of some old house that's barely keepin' itself together in the middle of fuckin' nowhere and we’re together. I need you. You are the only thing that matters to me in here. Besides, Red. You are my good. You somehow keep me sane in this shithole of a place, which is a little ironic wouldn't ya' say? You keep me clean. You are the only thing that makes me truly happy. I can’t-- I can’t do this without you. I can’t live without **you.** '  
  
  
'I can't. Whatever your decision is today, I need you in my life in some capacity. If I can only be in your life as a best friend and part-time babysitter, I'll fuckin' take it. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much it will fuckin' kill me inside knowin' you're with him, that you're happy with him. But if that's what it takes, I'll fuckin' bite my tongue and just do it, alright?' She dropped her head in her hands for a few moments, letting her hair dangle in her face. She choked back a painful sob, digging her nails into the palms of her hands until she left purple crescent moon marks there that would slowly fade away. She took in a deep breath, pulling herself together before she lifted her head again and faced the brunette sat across from her who had stolen her heart from the moment she met her.  
  
  
Nicky blew out a breath, her eyes pouring into Lorna's wet ones looking back at her. 'You just-- you gotta understand that I need some kind of commitment from you too. You can't keep running to Vinnie and then back to me and pretend that everything is alright, that everything is normal because it's not. You know it's not. It's not fair to him and it's certainly not fair to me.' She swallowed thickly, shaking her head from side to side before brushing the hair back and out of her face.   
  
  
'I need you to want me completely. To love **me** completely.' Nicky stressed, her voice straining. 'Otherwise, all of this has got to stop. If you can't choose or if–– if Vinnie is truly the one you want then all of this bullshit stops. We go about our days as normal and then when you leave prison you can have your perfect little life with the Italian Stallion and I'll-- I guess I'll just be watching from the sidelines. Like I have been for fuckin' years in this shithole while you chase after boys who don't fuckin' deserve you.' She huffed, a harsh edge to her words showing her contempt.   
  
  
'Or, you can choose to ditch that asshole and stick with me. I make ya' happy don't I?' She said, her voice so much softer as she leaned forward to brush the back of her knuckles over a soft rosy cheek, resisting the temptation to lean over all of the way to press her lips against it in a gentle kiss.  
  
  
She leaned back after a moment and let out a sigh, bracing herself for the worse. 'So, it's decision time Lorna. What's it gonna be?'  
  
  
She pursed her lips and folded her hands in her lap. 'I mean c'mon, why be a Muccio when you can be a Nichols?' She arched her eyebrow, a cheeky grin slipping onto her lips as she leaned back in her chair. Her attitude changing completely, trying to act casual and cool about the whole situation but inside she was full of anxiety and fear. Fear of yet another rejection from the love of her life.   
  
  
Lorna locked eyes with Nicky's and remained silent for a long moment, her eyes still shining with tears but her face thoughtful. Really, it shouldn't be taking her this long to make a decision. That couldn't be a good thing. Nicky felt her stomach drop, she was probably just thinking of how she could let her down gently. Again.  
  
  
Nicky Nichols, never quite good enough.  
  
  
Lorna slowly moved forward so her face was mere inches from Nicky's causing her to take a deep intake of breath. Here it is. The moment that Lorna Morello would end Nicky Nichols life.  
  
  
'That a proposal, Nichols?' Lorna's voice dripped like honey, barely above a whisper. Nicky could feel the ghost of her breath pass over her lips they were sat that close together and caused an involuntary shiver to travel down her spine.   
  
  
She sat in slight puzzlement and arousal for a moment before it finally clicked what Lorna meant. Her eyebrows rose and she poked her tongue into her cheek for a moment before she spoke again.  
  
  
'Depends.' She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly, reaching her hand out to trace a lazy pattern on the top of Lorna's hand that was flat against the table with her index finger, her eyes never straying from the deep depths of Lorna's. 'Ya' saying yes?'  
  
  
Lorna bit down on her lower lip, slightly harder than intended as she stifled a small giggle that threatened to break through before she leaned even closer to Nicky. 'Yes.' She whispered directly against Nicky's lips, her plump red lips caressing the chapped dry skin of the ex-junkies lips before she pressed further and smashed her lips against hers in a passionate kiss. Sealing the deal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this count as a proposal? I don't even know. I'm sorry this is short and really kind of shit but I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted and just wanted to get something posted. I promise bigger and better chapters in the future. Also, shout out to Aspen for requesting this prompt, I hope this is okay and you like it (a little or a lot).


	3. "I don't mind."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the most powerful way to say I love you is by not saying it at all.

'I don't mind,' Franny spoke, her voice casual and her shoulders rising and dropping in a nonchalant motion.  
  
  
_'Seriously?_ I ask ya' what ya' think of Nicky and **that** is your answer? You don't mind?” Lorna's voice rose an octave higher as she looked at her sister incredulously, her eyeballs nearly popping out of her head. Franny looks back at her with amusement, her lips twitching at the sides.  
  
  
'Yeah... I mean, she seems cool. Okay, at first I did have my reservations I'll give ya' that. Thought maybe she was takin' advantage of my sweet lil' Lorn'.' She cooed, leaning forward to playfully pinch at her younger sister's cheeks until she slapped her hands away with an annoyed huff and a fond roll of her eyes, unable to stop the sweet smile from appearing on her lips at her sister's teasing.  
  
  
Lorna felt her whole body vibrate with warmth. It was really important that her sister approved of her relationship with Nicky. She had been dreading this conversation, convinced her sister would be disgusted with her, shame her for being with a woman or say something nasty about Nicky. This reaction was so— **unexpected.** But in the best way possible.  
  
  
'I mean, she makes ya' happy don't she?' Franny's face turned a little more serious, leaning forward she placed her hand over Lorna's that rested on the small table that separated them and gave it a soft squeeze. It was more of a rhetorical question because Franny already knew the answer but she allowed Lorna to confirm it anyway.   
  
  
Which she received if the shy smile, imperceptible nod and the slight blush that rose to Lorna's porcelain cheeks were anything to go by.  
  
  
'Then that's all that matters.' Franny leaned all the way over the table to press a gentle kiss to her sister's forehead, leaning back she brushed the hair that had fallen into her eyes. 'As long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me.' She grinned softly. 'But that means I expect all the gossip with every phone call and every visit, but ya' know— just leave out the sex stuff. I could really do without that.' She scrunched up her nose in mock-disgust before breaking out into giggles a moment later, Lorna joining her.  
  
  
'Seriously, Lorn. I'm really happy for ya'. Glad you got rid of that useless Christopher anyhow.' She smiled as she leaned back in her chair, knowing their time would be running out soon. She really wished these meetings were longer. She wasn't able to come up and see her sister as much as she liked because of work schedules and trying to fit in childcare but when she did manage to get up to Litchfield Penitentiary, she always found the time they had together fly by so fast.  
  
  
Regardless, it was good to see Lorna. It was even better to see her so happy. She didn't give a fuck if it was with a man or a woman as long as they made her baby sister happy and they didn't hurt her, she didn't really care. She was sure their Ma and Pa wouldn't be as accepting and she couldn't speak for Mikey either but she'd grown up enough to ignore the bullshit she'd been fed as a child. Love is love. Who gives a fuck?   
  
  
'Thank you so much, Franny.' The beaming smile that lit up Lorna's face was enough to melt a thousand hearts and Franny grinned back at her, bringing their clasped hands up to her face to press a gentle kiss to her thumb, encouraging her to go on.   
  
  
'It seriously means so much to me that you don't hate me or Nicky and that you're happy for me. That's all I wanted.' Lorna took in a deep breath, her smile sliding from her face.  
  
  
'I thought maybe ya' were gonna hate me.' She admitted in a quiet voice, biting down on her lower lip.  
  
  
Franny let out a small laugh and shook her head. 'Nah, I could never hate ya' kid. You're my baby sister. Nothin' you could do could ever make me hate ya'.' She stood up and pulled Lorna into a standing position as well by pulling on her arm sleeves, she leaned over the table, wrapping her arms around Lorna in a tight hug. 'I'm proud of ya'. Thank you for tellin' me.' She whispered gently into Lorna's ear before giving her one last tight squeeze before they both sat back down again.  
  
  
They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Franny spoke again.  
  
  
'Next time I come and see ya', let me have a little chat with her aight'? Need to give her the customary big sister "if you hurt her" speech.' Franny grinned, glad to see that Lorna was much more relaxed now than when she first sat down. She had sensed she was nervous as soon as she had sat down, her shoulders all hunched up and the constant fidgeting before Lorna had just come out and said about her being in a relationship with the crazy-haired, wild-eyed blonde that she had sometimes seen watching them through the glass window during her visits. She had heard many stories about "Nicky" from Lorna before, good and bad and maybe this relationship _wasn't_ the best idea for Lorna right now, but seeing how happy the chick made her sister quietened any arguments she had against warning Nicky off her. Not that either of them would take any notice if she disapproved of it anyway, she was sure.   
  
  
Before Lorna could even nod her head or speak up any objection, the bell rang signalling the end of visitation. They both let out a sigh of disappointment before they stood again to hug goodbye, promising phone calls and more visits soon and Lorna sending her love to her nephew. Lorna watched her sister leave with a sad smile. Honestly, she didn't think this meeting could have gone any better and the love she felt for her sister had only further solidified. She didn't deserve her. She had done so much for her in the past and even today, she still found ways to surprise her and make her appreciate her all the more. She was so lucky. She knew other people weren't as lucky when coming out to members of their family.  
  
  
Her heart thumped loudly in her ears, beating so loudly that she was almost worried that it was about to beat out of her chest, filled with so much love and joy, a feat she didn't ever think possible when locked up in a prison.  
  
  
After a moment she moved to leave the visitation room, she glanced over to the glass screen almost expecting Nicky to be standing there, waiting for her. But she wasn't there. She didn't know whether she was glad or disappointed by that fact.   
  
  
She continued walking, not even realising where she was going before she realised she was outside Nicky's cube. Her legs had a mind of their own it seemed. She poked her head around the corner to see Nicky lounging on her bed, reading a magazine. She lightly cleared her throat and Nicky flicked her eyes over to her at the sound. She immediately jumped up into a sitting position, her back against the wall and Lorna quickly took the seat beside her. She could tell Nicky was anxious, her eyes darting all over the place while she waited for Lorna to settle beside her.  
  
  
'So? How did she take it?' Nicky asked in a rushed, pausing to flick her tongue out and wet her dry lips.   
  
  
Lorna smiled, finding Nicky's eagerness and nervousness adorable. She reached forward to tuck a stray strand of hair behind Nicky's ear, the touch both comforting and a distraction. 'She said she doesn't mind.' Lorna replied simply, her voice casual. Nicky's eyebrows rose to her forehead, her eyes looking back at Lorna incredulously, the same look that she had given her sister at that very response she had received no longer than an hour ago.   
  
  
'She doesn't _mind?_ ' Nicky repeated, her brow creased in confusion, her brows still raised in surprise.  
  
  
Lorna let out a small giggle and nodded her head. 'Yeah, she said she doesn't care as long as I'm happy.' Lorna grinned softly as she looked at Nicky like she put all the stars in the sky, her fingers combing gently through her long locks.  
  
  
'Oh.' Nicky was taken aback before a smile slowly formed on her lips. It was the smile that she only reserved for Lorna. Not her usual smirk as she flirted outrageously or the big grin she had whenever she cracked a dumb joke. No, this smile was special and only came out on special occasions. It was soft and warm, and made her eyes sparkle in the light. And it never failed to make Morello's heart flutter and body melt whenever it was aimed directly at her.  
  
  
'And are you happy?' Nicky whispered softly as she leaned in closer to the brunette, her eyes darting between her deep chocolate eyes and her pouty lips painted in red.  
  
  
'Yeah, I'm very happy.' Lorna beamed before closing the distance between them, pressing her plump lips against Nicky's. She swallowed every gasp and moan as her tongue slid between her lips and began to explore. She allowed her tongue to fight with Nicky's responding muscle as the kiss become more heated, they both fought for dominance before Nicky let Lorna win, glad for once to allow somebody else to take control. Lorna pulled Nicky's body tighter against her before laying them both down on the bed. Her hand slid beneath Nicky's thick grey jumper, her fingertips gliding over soft warm skin. Every gentle caress, nip, pinch, suck causing Nicky to release delicious moans from her mouth.  
  
  
Lorna smiled smugly at every sound, at every buck of Nicky's hips.  
  
  
She spent the rest of the night showing Nicky just how happy she made her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is mostly Lorna/Franny, I'm sorry about that but I wanted to get a nice little interaction between them, of Lorna kind of coming out to her and Franny being cool about it. I think it still kind of works for 100 ways to say I love you, right? Anyway, as always let me know what you thought, it really does help me out a lot! <3


	4. "I'll wait."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the most powerful way to say I love you is by not saying it at all.

They hadn't spoken in three days.  
  
  
Three long miserable days.  
  
  
Lorna sighed. She knew it was all her fault. She didn't mean to keep hurting Nicky like this, she really didn't. She just— sometimes it was like fighting a losing battle in her head. She knew she had feelings for Nichols, romantic and sexual feelings. She made her happy. Got her through each torturous day in Litchfield. But then the voices in her head would yell at her at how wrong it was to love another woman, that it wasn't normal. That she should have a husband and child and live as a proper family just like she had been dreaming of since she was five years old. And so, excuse came after excuse.  
  
  
"I need to be faithful, I'm a married woman now."  
  
  
"It was just the hormones, I wasn't thinking straight."   
  
  
Lorna hated it. Hated how she kept stealing the happiness away from herself. Vince didn't make her happy like Nicky did, not by a long shot. Sure, he was handsome and he would make a great father to her children but— he didn't make her laugh like Nicky did, or her heart flutter when Nicky looked at her in a certain way. He didn't push her to be better or give her hope for a brighter future. He was just there when Nicky wasn't. It was an impulsive act made out of pure loneliness and anger that she even married him in the first place. She knew she should feel happiness or excitement when it came to him visiting her but instead all she felt was dread and disappointment.  
  
  
Vinnie was a good guy, it wasn't his fault. But the truth was, she didn't love him. She never did, so she just tricked herself into thinking she did. Or thinking that she had to feel that way. Because this way was normal and safe and stable.  
  
  
Not exciting, reckless and terrifying like a life with Nicky would be. The thing was accepting who she was and accepting her relationship with Nicky was a risk.  
  
  
She was scared. Scared of what could happen, scared of them breaking up and their friendship being ruined forever. Scared of the change. Scared of the judgement, the gossiping whispers and the dirty looks. She knew she shouldn't care about that, that her image wasn't everything, that as long as she was happy and content then that was all that mattered.   
  
  
But it still niggled in the back of her brain, late at night when she was trying to sleep. She'd unconsciously twirl her wedding ring around her finger whilst she allowed herself to fantasise about a potential future with Nicky only for a few minutes later her thoughts shutting her down. With a weary sigh she turned on her side to face the wall, another opportunity wasted. Even if it was only in her head.  
  
  
Nicky had been avoiding her, she knew. Still wound up about her latest dash back to her husband. All she had received was cold stares in the hallway and her moving away every time she had tried to approach her.   
  
  
She deserved this, she kept telling herself with guilt gnawing at her gut. Nicky didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve **her**.  
  
  
She didn't know how long Nicky was going to continue on ignoring her existence for but she did know that it was eating at her, she was miserable without the comfort and familiarity of the elder female. She needed to fix this. Somehow.  


* * *

  
Nicky knew she was acting like a child. Spending most of her days moping, lounging on her bunk or concentrating solely on working. She was doing everything in her power to avoid the small brunette who was running circles in her mind and she didn't even know why. It wasn't like this was new, it wasn't the first time Lorna had done this and she was damn sure it wouldn't be the last so why was she so hung up on it.  
  
  
She sighed heavily, scratching an itch that wasn't even there.  
  
  
It was hard. She wanted Lorna so bad and Lorna knew this, she knew her feelings for her and she continued to take advantage of that again and again. Whenever she wanted something, she would come crawling to Nicky because she knew that Nicky could never say no to her.   
  
  
Nicky was the idiot, she should have the power to say no. Especially when the end result was always the same, her being hurt and alone.  
  
  
She felt cold without Lorna there, without having her to hold on to felt like a huge chunk was missing from her heart, like without Morello she just wasn't whole anymore.   
  
  
When did she get this pathetic? She couldn't help but wonder to herself. Before she met Lorna, she had all her walls up, wouldn't let anyone in except her Ma. She refused to get attached and let anyone get attached to her. She kind of enjoyed it, less pain, less disappointment, less heartbreak. But when Lorna Morello came to Litchfield, all that shit went right out the window. She had been drawn to her as soon as she first laid eyes on her and not just because she looked damn fuckable.   
  
  
She knew she should try and seek out Morello and apologise for being a heartless bitch but that she had to understand that her constantly running back to Vince didn't exactly sit well with her, that it hurt and it was unfair. Regardless of all that though, no matter much it hurt each and every time, she couldn't just push her away completely. She needed Morello just as much as Morello needed her. They had been by each other's side pretty much ever since Lorna joined and Nicky was too damn attached to the girl to just push her away now. No matter how much she had tried that tactic in the past, she always came crawling back. Without heroin to cling desperately hold of, she needed to find something else and she had found that something else in Lorna Morello.   
  
  
Sometimes she wondered if she was a masochist. If there was a reason why she always went after things that would inevitably hurt her but she knew that whatever the outcome was, she was done in the moment those brown eyes nervously looked her way for the first time.  


* * *

  
Lorna knew she had a lot of apologising and making up to do.  
  
  
She didn't even know where to start.  
  
  
Sorry for breaking your heart. Again.  
  
  
Sorry that I can't get my head straight. No matter how much I try, it just doesn't work.  
  
  
Sorry that I'm a broken machine that I cannot be fixed.  
  
  
Sorry that I keep doing this to you. I don't mean to hurt you. I really don't.   
  
  
She doesn't even know if her words will have any effect, she can say sorry a million times but that doesn't really fix things. Doesn't make things better, because it just keeps happening. Every time that she fools herself into thinking she's finally doing the right thing, that she's happy, that she's made the decision on who she should be with, her brain short circuits and she finds herself all the way back to where she started.   
  
  
It's endlessly frustrating.  
  
  
She had cried so many hot angry and frustrated tears in the last three days that Nicky had been avoiding her. She was angry at herself and angry at Vince and angry at Nicky except she wasn't really angry at Nicky because Nicky's behaviour was perfectly reasonable. She was done with Lorna messing her about. Sick of coming and going and not knowing where she really stood.   
  
  
Lorna understood. She did. She didn't deserve Nicky. Had always felt that way, Nicky was too good to her. Far too forgiving and accepting of her messed up behaviour. She knew most people didn't feel that way. She saw the stares, he heard the whispers and sometimes even the blatant remarks to her face. When they found out what happened with Christopher, that's when the rumour mill really got going. It had been weeks and weeks of harsh whispers about how she was a fucking crazy lunatic, couldn't go anywhere without hearing it, only to have it replayed back in her mind whenever she tried to drift off to sleep. She tried to ignore it. But up a brave face and tried to act as normal as she could to show it didn't bother her but when she was alone in the comfort of her bunk, she allowed the silent tears to fall. The self-hatred ate at her, gnawing at her skin like she gnawed at the inside of her gums. But even that self-hatred was nothing compared to the self-hatred she felt now.  
  
  
The self-hatred that pricked at her skin because **she** was the one doing this. **She** was the one hurting Nicky. **She** was the one pushing the only person who had ever truly cared about her in this place away with her selfish actions and bipolar mind.   
  
  
She hated it but she hated herself even more. The worst thing was she couldn't do a damned thing about it. Half of the time she didn't even know what she was doing until it had already been done and she's staring at Nicky's broken-hearted eyes before she was walking away and all Lorna could do was stare after her and feeling her own heartbreak.  
  
  
She didn't even know if approaching Nicky was a good idea. Maybe she needed more space or maybe it was just best if she tried to keep herself away from the wild-haired woman. She didn't want to hurt her any more than she already had, despite everything she did love her. She loved her so much and it fuckin' killed her every time this happened. Nicky deserved better, so much better than Lorna.   
  
  
She knew she just had to get this out, though. If she didn't say this shit now then she would never say it and if Nicky had made the decision to stay away from her, forever or whatever then she at least needed to let Nicky know how she felt just one time. It could all blow up in her face, it could make their situation even worse or Nicky could plain just refuse to even listen to her but she had to take the chance. She had to stop being a coward and just fuckin' do it.   
  
  
Her feet padded lightly on the floor as she approached Nicky's cube, she had already checked her usual hangout spots so she figured she must be here. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, blood rushing to her ears and she had to clench her hands into fists because they were shaking so much. This was the most nervous she had ever been, she was sure. This was nothing like telling your crush that you maybe liked them a little, this was the big deal shit. She breathed in shakily before approaching the entrance, hands gripping onto the doorway until her fingers went white.   
  
  
'Uh— N—Nicky?' Her voice came out shaky, she squeezed her eyes shut tightly for a moment before reopening them and trying again. 'Um— Can I talk to you?'   
  
  
Nicky discarded the book that had been in her lap, she couldn't even pretend she was reading it. She couldn't fuckin' concentrate, after reading the same line ten times she just gave up with a growl and tossed it to the side with an angry sigh. She couldn't get Lorna out of her mind, which was nothing new. She just didn't know what to do about their situation. She knew things couldn't carry on the way that they were but she couldn't lose Lorna either. She depended on her more than she realised and she had come to that realisation through the three days that they hadn't interacted with each other. As much as it pained her, really pained her, if all she could get out of Lorna was friendship then that's what she would have to settle with. There was nothing she wanted more than to be able to call Lorna hers, to be with her properly but she knew that just wasn't realistic. She was married and pregnant and seemed to fuckin' love the guy. God knows why but she did. She couldn't just spoil Lorna's happiness just because she was bitter and jealous that she couldn't have what Vince did. She needed to make things right with Morello. She just didn't know where to start.  
  
  
Her head turned from where it was hanging when she heard a meek squeal of a voice. Her eyebrow arched as she watched Morello hover in the doorway almost like she was scared to come inside, like Nicky would send her away. Which was yeah, understandable since that's what Nicky had been doing the last couple days anytime she had caught sight of the petite brunette, but that's because she was still trying to sort through her mixed feelings, trying to figure what exactly to do.  
  
  
She scooted forward on the mattress and tilted her head in Lorna's direction, she could tell the brunette was already trying to fight back tears. She didn't like the look of fear and anxiety that were shining in her dark brown orbs and was just opening her mouth to speak when Lorna came further into her cube, raising a hand as if to protest any words coming out of Nicky's mouth.  
  
  
'Just wait—' Lorna's breath hitched and she swallowed thickly, training her eyes on Nicky. 'Please just let me speak, explain myself. If ya' still want nothing to do with me afterwards. I'll leave.' Lorna took a moment to squeeze her eyes shut tightly again, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to overspill. '—Leave you alone. I swear.' Her breath hitched again, almost choking on a sob but she squeezed her hands into tight fists once more, pinching crescent-shaped bruises into her palms as if to distract herself from the overwhelming motion to start crying uncontrollably.   
  
  
Nicky swore she could almost hear her heartbreaking watching Lorna right now, she looked so desperate, so broken like whatever she was about to tell Nicky had been tormenting her for days. She swallowed around the lump that had suddenly risen in her throat. All she wanted to do was reach out for the other woman, pull her close and tell her everything was going to be okay but restrained herself. That was another habit that she needed to break.   
  
  
She just watched with wide eyes as Lorna moved to set down beside her on the mattress, leaving room between them but still close enough that they were in arm-reaching distance.   
  
  
Nicky didn't know what to say, she just shifted her body slightly to the side so it was facing Lorna's direction a bit more and waited for her to speak. She knew whatever this was, was a big deal for Morello. It was written all over her face.  
  
  
'I— I know I fucked up. That I keep fuckin' up.' Lorna's head was bowed, staring into her lap as she twisted her fingers together. She couldn't bear to look at Nicky in this moment, out of guilt and shame. 'I really don't mean to keep doin' this. I swear I don't. I don't mean to keep hurtin' you like this.' She sniffled, the first tear finally breaking through to slide down her cheek and drop from her chin down onto khaki-clad thigh.  
  
  
She finally lifted her head to look at Nicky, a look of sadness and concern reflecting in her eyes. Lorna breathed a shaky sigh, her lips twisting into a heartbroken smile. 'I really do love you, ya' know?' Her voice cracked and she took a moment before speaking again. 'I love you so much and I get to the point where I believe wholeheartedly that all I want is to be with you. You make me so happy and you keep me safe and— I just feel **right** with you.' Her eyes twinkled brightly, shining with the love that she spoke of but after a moment her face dropped and she bowed her head again. 'But then— my stupid fucked up crazy brain kicks in. Tells me it isn't right. I should be with Vince. That I married 'im for a reason and that he's havin' my kid. And I try to fight it. Nicky, I try to fight it so hard I swear—' Her voice cracked again as a broken sob leaves her lips, she looked at Nicky desperate for her to understand what she was trying to say, desperate for her to take in her words for what they were.  
  
  
'I know I need help and there's not a lot that I can get in 'ere but I really am tryin'. I'm tryin' to fight off that voice because— because I know the only way I'll ever be truly happy is if I'm with you. I tricked myself into believin' that I married Vince for love but I— I didn't. I married him because I was lonely. You were gone and I didn't know if you were ever comin' back.' She nibbled at her lower lip as hot tears continued to stream down her face. 'And now I have this baby.' She breathed a shaky breath as she placed a hand on her lower abdomen. She wasn't showing yet but she would be soon, she was sure.   
  
  
'I know I can't ask or expect you to put up with me like this, all I do is keep hurtin' you and I hate it.' She sniffled. 'But if you were willing to be patient—' Her breath hitched before she looked over at Nicky with a hopeful smile.  
  
  
Nicky had been silent through the whole time that Lorna had been talking, just watching with careful eyes and a broken heart as Lorna spilt her heart out to her. She had so much love for this woman and wanted to help her in any way she could. She had known that Lorna needed help with her mental issues but she didn't realise just how much those issues affected her way of thinking or her actions.   
  
  
Nicky swallowed the lump in her throat before reaching out to place a hand over Lorna's still trembling one and squeezed tightly. 'I'll wait.' Her voice came out as just above her whisper but she said her words so firmly that there was no mistaking the meaning behind them. 'I'll wait until you're ready, until you get things sorted out in your head and until then I'll be here for ya'.' She shuffled herself closer to wrap one arm around Morello's shoulder and bringing her closer to her side. She could feel Lorna's whole body trembling, clearly desperately trying to hold back the sobs as she was overtaken by emotion.  
  
  
'I can't ask that of you, Nick'. You deserve better than this. Better than me.' Her words came out choked, she moved willingly when Nicky pulled her into her side, almost melting at the comforting familiar touch.   
  
  
'Well if you're not askin' then I'm tellin'. You are worth the wait Lorna Morello.' She breathed into Lorna's hair as she moved her head to rest on her chest before pressing a firm kiss to the crown of her head. 'We've both done things to hurt each other, right. I'm not innocent in all this.' Her lips twisted, still feeling a bit of guilt gnawing at her gut. 'But we got each other, okay? Forever. M'never leavin' you, sunshine.'   
  
  
Lorna looped her arms around Nicky's waist and squeezed tightly just letting herself be held as Nicky guided her head to rest on her chest, she breathed in deeply as Nicky's heart thumped loudly into her ear. She could feel the tension slowly easing from her body, feeling safe in Nicky's arms. She knew Nicky would always protect her, love her, be there for her. She doesn't know why she ever doubted that in the first place. She just found herself feeling incredibly grateful and lucky that after all the shit Lorna had put her through that Nicky was still willing to be there for her, to **wait** for her.  
  
  
Her lips slowly formed into a soft smile. She would get herself sorted. For Nicky, because Nicky deserved to feel all the happiness and love in the world and one day, Lorna was going to be able to give that all to her. She just needed to free herself of all the demons in her head that were getting in the way of her own happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not entirely sure about the ending to this but um yeah, this just kind of spiralled off into its own little thing!! again sorry that this 'drabble' ended up being 3k lmao. i just want to say a big thank u to everyone who has left kudos and reviewed so far!! i honestly love reading what everyone thinks about each chapter, keep 'em coming!! :)))


	5. "We'll figure it out."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the most powerful way to say I love you is by not saying it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of AU as it ignores all of Season Five and the end of Season Four. In other words, there is no riot and Poussey is still alive but Lorna still finds out she's pregnant. Hope that makes sense. Sorry if there are any mistakes or things sound repetitive etc. I haven't checked this one over.

Lorna had her back pressed against the hard wall, her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them tightly as she gently rocked herself back and forth. It was meant to be an unconscious movement to calm herself when she was feeling overly stressed or anxious. She didn’t even realise she was doing it, completely zoned out as she stared blankly ahead of her.  
  
  
The news was supposed to be a good thing, a step forward in her life. Something to look forward to and when she first found out that she was, in fact, pregnant she couldn’t lie, she felt ecstatic. Her whole body filled with warmth and excitement and hope. The feelings that every woman should feel when they first realise they’re going to bear a child.   
  
  
She should feel over the moon, this is all she had ever wanted. A husband, now a child. But it was wrong. It all felt so wrong. This wasn’t how things were meant to be, not like this. How could she ever think that this would be a good thing? She was in prison!  
  
  
The positive feelings had quickly faded away when the realisation had settled in. She was pregnant in prison. Her mind couldn’t stop whirring with thoughts about all the bad things that could happen. It was inevitable that when she gave birth, the baby would be taken straight from her and just the thought and image of that in her head caused a sob to bubble up in her throat. She suddenly felt grateful that she was alone in her cube. She didn’t want anybody to see her like this.   
  
  
She couldn’t bear the thought of finally getting to hold a child,  **her**  child in her arms only for it to be snatched from her arms moments later. How could she even call herself a mother when her first chance to become one would be taken the moment her child entered this world. A deep pain reverberated deep from within her chest at the thought that she would never be able to rock them to sleep or feed them or change their diapers. She had plenty of experience in that department from all the times Franny had asked her to babysit her kids. If she wasn’t in prison, that was the kind of thing that she would look forward to. Just to be able to hold her baby girl or boy in her arms, to lovingly stare into their gorgeous eyes while they murmured nonsense until they fell asleep. Right where they should be, in their mother’s arms. It broke her heart that she wasn’t going to be able to have that. All she would have is the scenarios she dreamed up in her head.   
  
  
She could feel her arms ache, aching to hold something, anything so she could imagine that it was her baby. Her arms squeezed tighter around her legs before she grabbed the lumpy pillow beside her and brought it to her chest, holding it close and letting out a shaky sigh. It wasn’t much but it was all she had. All she had to dream of a life that was being stolen from her.  
  
  
She wanted to be angry, she wanted to punch something, she wanted to scream from the top of her lungs at how unfair this was but the reality was this was all her fault. All her own doing. It was her fault that she was in prison and it was her fault that she had managed to get herself pregnant. The only person to blame was  **her.**  Which just made matters worse, because what kind of life was this kid going to have, hey? The first few years of his life he wasn’t going to see his mother because she was behind bars. He would probably grow up to resent her, angry and disappointed that he had Lorna for a mother because what good was a mother behind bars? She couldn’t teach them to talk or walk or how to play with blocks. Somebody else would be doing that for her.   
  
  
She swallowed the bile that had risen to her throat as sharp tears stung the corners of her eyes. She could feel a deep burning hatred in her gut –– aimed at herself. She hated herself for the crazy antics that had landed her in jail in the first place. She hated herself for having a rushed quicky with Vince after their wedding which caused her to end up pregnant. She should never have married him in the first place. She looked down at her left hand and stared hard at the gold band on her ring finger. She didn’t love him, she never loved him but she had to keep up the facade that she did. People already thought she was crazy for marrying a guy she barely knew, she couldn’t back out now. She had to pretend that this was what she wanted, what she had wanted her whole life but in truth, it wasn’t. Not even close.   
  
  
Her parents had pushed all these ideals onto her, that this was what she wanted and this was how her life was going to be planned out. That this was the right way. It was all so traditional and old-fashioned and for fuck sake, it was bullshit. Yes, she wanted a dream wedding and children and maybe a couple of kittens or puppies to complete the family. But, why couldn’t she have that with someone else? ...Maybe someone who was of the same gender. When she was alone, she liked to imagine what that would be like. Coming home to a  **wife**  instead of a husband. She couldn’t let herself fantasise for too long though because for long she would hear her father’s booming voice echoing inside her head, telling her what she should do, how she should act, how she should  **feel.**  
  
  
She felt sick. She didn’t want this life for herself. She wanted to feel confident in making her own decisions, decisions that would make her happy, not to make other people happy. She felt torn. She clenched her left hand into a tight fist and pounded it into the mattress below her. It was unfair. Everything seemed so unfair.  
  
  
As tears streamed down her face she looked down at her stomach, bringing her hand to rest against the slight raise of skin. She wasn’t really showing yet but she would be soon, she was sure.  
  
  
‘I’m sorry, little one. I’ve failed you I’m so sorry.’ She whispered, her voice cracking as a sob shook her whole body as it left her mouth.   
  
  
Surely all this stress couldn’t be good for the baby but she couldn’t stop thinking about how she desperately wanted to be a mother to this unborn child but she couldn’t. She was going to have to go through nine months of pain, cramps and morning sickness to not even get to hold it for longer than five seconds.    
  
  
Lorna brought the pillow that she was still clutching in one arm up to her face where she proceeded to bury her face in it, finally allowing herself to cry properly. Big heaving sobs leaving her body as she cried loudly into the pillow, the sound muffled so she wouldn’t attract any unwanted attention from people nearby her cube. She thought for half a second about smothering herself with the pillow to allow all the thoughts and the pain in her chest to stop.  
  
  
Her cries calmed after a few minutes, slowing down to sniffles and deep heaves of her body. She lifted her head sheepishly when she heard the familiar sound of shuffling heavy boots walking down the hallway.   
  
  
‘Fuck.’ She whispered to herself. It was Nicky. She knew the sound of her walk and that was definitely Nicky. She couldn’t see her like this, she would ask questions and give her that look. That look that broke her heart all over again as she looked at her with such desperation and love, wanting to help in any way she could. But this was something that Nicky couldn’t fix.   
  
  
She sat up straighter and wiped at her cheeks, cringing at the black that covered her fingers as she pulled them away. Her makeup must look a mess, she glanced back down at the pillow which was now just resting idly in her lap and saw that the pillow was covered in black smudges from her eyes and red smears from her lips. She groaned inwardly before flipping the pillow over to its clean side, hiding the shameful evidence.   
  
  
Nicky arrived at the entryway of her cube, the signature smirk pulling on her lips as she leant her shoulder against the wall which quickly disappeared as she took in Lorna’s dishevelled appearance. She watched as the brunette rubbed at her face trying to clean up the smudged makeup and brush her hair back out of her eyes. Nicky’s eyes hardened. Something was wrong. Lorna had been crying, that much was obvious but what pulled on Nicky’s heartstrings was that she’d been doing it alone and now she was clearly trying to cover it up.  
  
  
Usually, Lorna always came to her when she was upset or worried about something. She would voice all her opinions and thoughts while she rested her head on Nicky’s shoulder and chest. Nicky would just sit there calmly while she listed, a hand smoothing down Lorna’s back and brushing through the short strands of Lorna’s hair in an effort to comfort her. But this was different. She could feel it in the air that this was different. Nicky didn’t like the unsettling feeling that pooled in her lower stomach.  
  
  
Nicky breathed in deeply before she walked into Lorna’s cube with strong strides, plopping herself down next to Lorna who had refused to look at her since she had made herself known. Nicky had noticed subtle differences in Lorna’s behaviour in the last week or so but she hadn’t paid much attention to it, now she’s thinking maybe she should have.  
  
  
‘What’s wrong, Kid? What ya’ doin’ hidin’ in here all by ya’ self?’ Nicky’s voice was soft, barely above a whisper as her eyes studied the brunette’s face. Her hand had reached up to rub soothingly down the arm that was closet to her, willing her to open up. She had never had a problem with doing that before.  
  
  
Lorna was still refusing to look at her which made Nicky frown. ‘Nothin’. M’fine Nichols.’ Her voice was scratchy and hoarse from crying but she cleared her throat, her head hanging down as she picked absentmindedly at the corner of the pillow that was sitting in her lap.  
  
  
Nicky clenched her jaw and let out a sigh. She hated this. When she had to pry something out of Lorna because she wouldn’t just tell her what the fuck was going on. All it did was cause the golden-haired woman to worry about her even more. It was clear that something was wrong here, that Lorna was torturing herself over something and Nicky needed to know what it was so she could comfort and convince Lorna that whatever she was thinking wasn’t true. That she deserved better than the life that she’d been dealt. Everyone in Litchfield did.   
  
  
‘C’mon, Lorna. It’s me.’ Nicky whispered as she leaned closer, curling her forefinger under her chin to tilt her head up and to the side so she was looking Nicky directly in the face. The first time she was doing so since Nicky had arrived at her cube. Nicky’s stomach dropped as she took in all of Lorna’s facial features. She looked absolutely distraught. Red and puffy eyes that were smudged with eyeliner, bags under her eyes, faded tear tracks down her cheeks. Trembling lips that were clearly trying to hold in the cries that were threatening to burst from her throat. It broke Nicky’s heart to see her like this. Lorna should never look like this. Broken. Distraught. Soft brown eyes radiating a deep sadness that Nicky had never seen in them before.   
  
  
‘Tell me what’s wrong baby?’ She reached a hand up to softly caress her smooth cheek, the pad of her thumb running along her cheekbone. ‘What’s going through your head? Tell me.’ Her voice was still a soft whisper, the moment too delicate to be any louder or more forceful.   
  
  
Lorna stared blankly back at Nicky for a few moments, her brain taking longer to process the words than it would normally. She bit down on her lower lip as she took a moment to collect her thoughts before she breathed in deeply and gave a slight nod. It was okay. She could trust Nicky. Nicky wouldn’t judge her, she would listen and then tell her what to do. Tell her how to make things better. She always made things better.  
  
  
‘I––’ She started off, her voice still cracking with emotion. She took a deep steadying breath before trying again. ‘I just–– I so desperately want to be a Mom to this baby, a  **good** Mom but I can’t and I won’t. They’re goin’ to take ‘em away from me straight away and he’s gonna grow up with a failure of a Mom because I can’t ever be with him or near him and it’s just unfair. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant and then I realised how can any good come to this baby with his Mother stuck in prison, huh? I’ve failed my kid already and they’re not even born yet.’ Lorna rambled on only stopping to heave a quiet sob as she tried to get through without the emotion completely taking over her body again.  
  
  
‘Baby, baby no. Shh shh shh.’ Nicky pulled Lorna into her arms, her arms wrapping tightly around her as she held her close. Her chin coming to rest on the top of her head and her hand running up and down her back in a soothing motion. ‘You’re going to a great Mom, Lorna. Such a great Mom. I know the timin’ is kinda shitty bein’ in here n’all but you’ll still get to see the kid. Franny will get custody of the kid right? So, she can bring the kid along when she comes to visit and you won’t miss too much because you’ll be out before he can talk and process any rational thoughts. He won’t remember that you weren’t there, you’re only goin’ to miss the cryin’ and shittin’ stages, honestly you should consider that a fuckin’ blessin’.’ She finished off with a small chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. Her hand continued to rub in circles on Lorna’s back as she held her tightly to her chest, she could feel her sobbing into her neck, sticky hot tears dropping onto her skin.   
  
  
She frowned. How could Lorna ever think she could be a bad Mom? She sighed as she continued to try and sooth the brunette, rocking them sidewards gently. ‘Everything is gonna’ be okay, Lorna. I promise. I know you’re worried about the baby but there is no need to be right now.’ She whispered, her hand moving up to gently comb through Lorna’s hair. ‘I’ve got you, okay? I’m gonna’ be here every step of the way for you and for the little rugrat inside your belly.’ She pulled back, framing her hands on the side of Lorna’s neck to pull her face opposite her own, a small smile peeking on her lips. ‘We’ll figure it out.’ She whispered before she leaned up and pressed a soft kiss against Lorna’s forehead. She felt the gentle sigh and the relieved drop of her shoulders, like all the tension and worry, had left her body. Maybe this was all she needed. Some encouraging words to reassure her that everything would be okay and with Nicky by her side Lorna knew that it would be.  
  
  
Finally, a tired but genuine smile pulled at Lorna’s lips. ‘Thanks, Nicky.’ She mumbled in a quiet voice before leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss against the corner of her mouth. ‘You always know the right thing to say.’   
  
  
She moved from her position of practically sitting in Nicky’s lap to lie down flat on the mattress, pulling on Nicky’s arm to join her beside her. As soon as the golden-haired wonder was settled, Lorna cuddled up to her side. ‘I’m scared, Nick’. Really scared. But with you by my side, I feel like I can do anythin’.’ She whispered, breaking the momentary silence in the room before her eyes fell shut and she drifted off to sleep, exhaustion taken over.   
  
  
Nicky watched Lorna as she drifted off to sleep, reaching over to brush a brown curl behind her ear with a soft smile. Lorna looked beautiful when she slept, all her facial muscles finally relaxing and the worry lines smoothing out along her face. She brushed her thumb across her cheek before leaning in to press another kiss to her forehead. ‘You and me against the world baby. We got this.’ She whispered back before resting her head back down on the pillow and allowing her own eyes to close and drift off into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went a little hard with the angst on this one I'm sorry! These are meant to be all short fluffy ficlets but I just don't know how to play by the rules it seems. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Hope you enjoyed it anyway, let me know by leaving a comment below!


	6. "One more chapter."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the most powerful way to say I love you is by not saying it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than my usual but I hope you enjoy the update nevertheless, I'm loving working on this series. <3

The first time Nicky had read for her, it had been a long and tiring day. They were both lying on her bunk, squished together in the small space. Lorna's head was nestled into the crook of Nicky's neck, soft breaths of hot air ghosting over her skin every time she breathed. Nicky was sure that if it was anyone else she would find it annoying and shove them away but she would put up with anything for Lorna. Lorna's eyes were blinking heavily, the book she had been trying to read moments before abandoned in her lap. She had tried. She had tried for several minutes to read the pages but as the tiredness came over her in waves, every time she blinked the words just blurred and mashed together. After a few minutes, she gave up with a disgruntled whine, slapping the book down on her thighs and nuzzling into Nicky's warmth with a pout.  
  
  
Nicky shifted slightly, looking down at Lorna with an amused smile and raise of the eyebrow before she put down her own book and lifted up Lorna’s novel, flicking through the pages absent-mindedly before she began to read. Lorna lifted her head in slight surprise before she settled back down, looking up at Nicky with an adoring smile and allowing her husky voice to lull her into a short-lived nap.  
  
  
She had done it a few more times, eliciting less and less surprise as time went on. Eventually, it got to the point where they would settle on either one of their beds and Lorna would hand Nicky her book for her to read.  
  
  
That day they’d had a fight. She couldn’t even remember really what it was about, something stupid and non-sensical probably but they had bother ignored each other for the rest of the day. Sulking and angrily snapping at anyone who tried to come near them until Nicky sulkily dragged her feet into Lorna’s cube and dropped herself next to her on her bunk. Whatever happened, she wasn’t going to break their usual routine before she had to leave for count. She tilted her head to the side and noticed Lorna’s jaw was clenched. Still mad then.  
  
  
Nicky let out a sigh as she turned her head to stare straight above her, not willing to break the silence just yet before she let out a small grunt from Lorna slapping a new book onto her stomach. She still hadn’t looked at her yet still wanted her to read.  
  
  
‘If ya’ too lazy to read ‘em ya’ damn self, stop grabbin’ books from the library.’ Nicky sneered, only half-teasing her.  
  
  
She tilted her head to the side just to see Lorna’s face fall slightly, something unrecognisable shining in her eyes. ‘Fine’. She huffed. Her lips were drawn in a straight line and her eyebrows bunched together. She grabbed the book and turned over on her side, her back now to Nicky in a move of defiance. Or maybe just elevated sulking.  
  
  
Nicky rolled her eyes. So dramatic, this one. Nicky reached around her and grabbed the book again. Lorna stared hard at the wall as Nicky sat up, settling back against the end of the bed, bars digging into her back leaving little indents on her skin. She started reading aloud, Lorna eventually turning on her back, the worry lines in her face evened out some. She stared up at Nicky absently as she flicked through the pages.  
  
‘One more chapter.’ She pleaded when Nicky was done. She quickly flipped through the pages.  
  
  
‘It’s twenty fuckin’ pages, Lorn’.’ She sighed and Lorna just shrugged. Nicky closed the book.  
  
  
‘Papà used to read me a bedtime story every night.’ Lorna’s voice was soft, quiet, nostalgic. Nicky heard every word.  
  
  
‘You got some weird fantasies, kid.’ Nicky opened up the book again. ‘But if that’s what ya’ into I can read anotha’ chapter then give ya’ a spankin’.’ Nicky smirked, playfully nudging Lorna’s shoulder as she wiggled her eyebrows up and down.  
  
  
Lorna snorted, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. She should have expected that kind of response. She smiled faintly before resting her head back down on Nicky’s shoulder as she resumed reading.  
  
  
Lorna loved the sound of Nicky’s voice. That husky deep tone and that recognisable accent that sounds like a cross between a Jewish grandma and Marge Simpson’s hard-smoking twin sisters. It was one of her favourite sounds. She could listen to Nicky talk for hours, about anything or everything. Her voice soothed her, calmed her, let her forget everything for a while and just focus on this one constant that made her feel momentarily safe and warm.  
  
  
Sometimes she felt like she just used the book as an excuse. The words on the page didn’t truly matter it was the voice reading them that did.  
  
  
She missed her Papà and sometimes Nicky reading aloud made her feel closer to him. Now that she was stuck inside and couldn’t run to him for comfort anymore. Not that he really gave any comfort out anymore, hadn’t really shown that since she was ten. But there were some good moments with him, despite his disability and his impatience. There were a few times when they did just sit and talk, she could ask him advice and he would tell her things she needed to hear. It was nice to just reminisce on those happy moments after a shit day.  
  
  
It only took three pages for her to fall asleep, her head getting heavier and heavier on Nicky’s shoulder. Nicky gently laid it back on the pillow, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the top of her head. She checked the time and they still had an hour until count, so she stretched over and placed the book to the side, dog-earing the page that she got to. She shifted further down the bed so she was laying down beside Lorna.  
  
  
She couldn’t help the soft smile that appeared on her lips as she watched Lorna sleeping peacefully. She leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss to the end of her nose before snuggling closer to her, wrapping an arm around her waist. She didn’t mind this. Didn’t mind just lying next to Lorna until one of them had to move to get back to their bunk. It was nice. It was times like this where she could imagine the both of them living a different life. Lying in a proper bed in their own apartment, a cat or a dog curled up at the end of their bed.   
  
  
That would be nice. A girl could dream. Maybe one day it would come true but she didn’t want to get her hopes up. She knew how indecisive Morello could be.


	7. "I don't deserve you."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the most powerful way to say I love you is by not saying it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but sweet chapter for this one, sorry for such long delays in between updates. Hoping to get some more out more regularly in the near future. Thanks for reading and sticking with this story! Please leave kudos/comments, all feedback is very much appreciated!

'I don't deserve you.'

 

The words are out of her mouth before she's even realised she's said anything, breath barely above a whisper, her eyes staring into space before she's jolted back to the present when she realises that she hadn't just said those words in her head but they'd left her mouth as well.

 

Nicky's head turned sharply to look at Lorna when she heard the soft sound of her voice, her eyebrow raised as she lowered the book she had been reading to the bunk. "What was that?"

 

Lorna looked over at Nicky's questioning gaze, her eyes still wide in disbelief that she'd allowed the words to fall so foolishly out of her mouth. She thought for a moment about brushing it off, pretending she hadn't said anything, covering it up with a cough. But Nicky would see right through that. Nicky was one of the only people who she could never lie to and even when she attempted to she saw right through it, called her out on her bullshit. Thinking back on those four words she realised they needed to be said, for her own piece of mind if not for anything else. Nicky deserved to hear them and deserved to hear the reasons why.

 

She sat up a little straighter, back pressing against the stone wall at the opposite end of the bunk. She didn't know whether the same between them right now was going to make this easier or harder. She breathed in a slow steadying breath before turning her face to look at Nicky, her lips pressed into a tight line and her eyes furrowing before she just opened her mouth and repeated those same words. Only louder, firmer, this time. 'I don't deserve you.'

 

She could see a mix of emotions fluttering over Nicky's face before she opened her mouth again to speak before Nicky got a chance to say anything in response.

 

'I really don't.' She shook her head slowly, brunette wisps of hair flapping against her cheeks at the movement, a sad smile slowly forming on her lips.

 

'Y'do so much for me. You are so amazing. You have been ever since I arrived 'ere, ever since I first met ya'. I was so terrified but you put me at ease, made me feel safe 'nd protected 'nd cared for. Without ya', I would have fallen apart.' A humourless laugh left her mouth as she thought back to that first week.

 

'I guess I just needed to tell you that everything you do for me, it doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. I know things can get pretty scary in here 'nd ya' always the one that's gotta be strong. Got to hold not just me but the whole family together. That takes a lot of strength and courage ya' know. So, thank you. For always bein' there for 'nd keepin' me safe 'nd everythin'.'

 

Nicky had been silent the whole time Lorna had been talking, eyes trained on the brunette, hands itching to reach out and just pull her into her arms but realising that this was important and she needed to let her finish before she made any movements.

 

Lorna shrugged her shoulders with a wry smile as she looked back over at Nicky with large brown eyes brimming with unshed emotion.

 

Nicky's eyes softened and her chest filled with warmth as their eyes re-connected. 'C'mere.' She rasped, holding her arms open and jerking her head to the side in a motion for Lorna to come towards her, into her arms, where she belonged.

 

Lorna sunk her teeth into her trembling lower lip, trying to fight back the emotion. Trying for once to not be such a cry baby. She scooted back down the bunk in Nicky's direction before she felt strong arms wrap around her torso and pull her into her chest, laying them down horizontally so Nicky could rest her head back on the pillow. If you could even call it that.

 

'Baby.' Nicky's voice came out as a raspy whisper, her hand smoothing down Lorna's short curls where her head was resting on her chest close to her heart. 'Ya' never have to thank me for shit like that.' A small smile curled at her lips as she looked down at the quiet girl was curled up against her side. She pressed a soft kiss to the crown of her head before leaning back again. 'I do it 'cause I love you.'

 

The words slipped out of her mouth like she was talking about the weather, easy and natural. Nicky blinked slowly, she hadn't meant to say that. Not out loud at the very least but she didn't regret saying it either, it was the truth after all so she just shrugged it off.

 

Lorna's head however shot up from Nicky's chest so fast that she was surprised she didn't get whiplash. Nicky snorted at the action, her eyes dancing with mirth and adoration as they locked on Lorna's deep brown ones once again.

 

Lorna's eyes darted across Nicky's face before finally settling on her eyes as if searching for something, her jaw still slightly dropped at the casual declaration before her shoulders relaxed as if she found what she was looking for.

 

A soft yet shy smile appeared on her lips as she reached up, one delicate hand moving to cup her cheek before she leaned in ever closer. 'I love ya' too.' She whispered, words ghosting over her lips because she was that close. Her eyes beamed brighter and her smile grew wider before she leaned in to fully close the gap and pressing her lips firmly against Nicky's, she let out a hum in contentment.


End file.
